Wolf Blanket

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[By Kat Downs, Piano Destroyer]

We originally bought Wolf Blanket at a Walmart in Oregon, I think.  Or was it Washington?  No, I think we were still in Oregon.


Our air mattress had died, so we stopped to get a new one and Wolf Blanket was purchased to be the insulation underneath the bottom sheet so that the cold can’t sneak up from underneath you.  It’s thick and soft and not made of anything natural.  Nothing is getting through that baby.   Also, it’s a super-tacky Wolf Blanket from Walmart.  What’s not to love.

Little did we know.
It was cold up north.  And let’s be honest, either I’m wearing crazy hot shoes or I’m barefoot.  That’s pretty much my jam.  So I got chilly in the passenger seat one afternoon with my bare feet and the snow in the mountains.  “Hand me that Wolf Blanket we just got,” I said.  I unrolled it, wrapped it around my legs…


I’m not joking. I couldn’t stop touching it.  I literally wanted to stop doing everything for

Fuck you guys.  I’m Wolf Blanket.

the rest of my life and just be wrapped up in this blanket forever.   It was a level of comfort I don’t think I’ve experienced outside the womb.

After that, I pretty much lived under Wolf Blanket.  I even said to Mike that the only bad thing about Wolf Blanket was all the time I had to spend not being underneath it.

He said that was very profound.  I’m pretty sure he was making fun of me.

So let me tell you about Wolf Blanket.  Because it’s my new favorite thing and I will never again go on tour/anywhere without it.

First off, it’s 100% polyester so it absorbs exactly zero water.  It doesn’t breathe at all.  So it’s really better for either laying on, or laying under, but not rolling up in because you will drown in your own sweat.  I’m actually tempted to see if I can carry water in it like a garbage bag.

It’s a “Plush” blanket, also known as a raschel blanket.  It’s as soft as you wish real fur was.  Softer, actually.  Maybe it’s as soft as a baby seal, but only while the baby seal is white and fluffy and very much alive while it’s letting you snuggle it.  And also the seal is making adorable coo-ing noises.  These blankets are the $9.99 specials that have some weird-ass picture on them, like fish, a random media reference, or even a majestic elk.  You see them in the store and wonder who looks at that and says, “You know what?  That kitten blanket is so incredibly tasteful.  It just screams of high class.  I need to take that shit home.”

I now know exactly why people buy these.  They are SO SOFT.  They are SO WARM.  So much so, in fact, that you forget how mind-blowingly tacky they are.  You actually forgive the blanket for being ugly.

The downside to the “plush” blanket is as soon as you wash it the fibers pill up and it’s not as soft as it once was.  To avoid this I have been washing Wolf Blanket in cold water and letting it air dry.   Because of it’s lack of breathability that means I have to set a timer to go flip it around while it’s hanging over the shower rod so that both sides will dry evenly. This coming from a girl who won’t buy a piece of clothing if there’s any chance it would ever have to be ironed.  (It’s totally working, btw.  Still as soft as day one.  Puuurrrrrrrr…)

There’s more.  It has a signature in the bottom right corner.  Because Wolf Blanket’s design came from a super famous painter named James Meger.  Which means Wolf Blanket is a piece of freaking art.  A WORK OF ART!   A *signed* piece of art.   Awwwwwww – yeah.   I’m sorry to report that Mr. Meger passed away in 2011.  I’m happy to report that this most likely means that I will be able to retire on the insurance policy I will take out on Wolf Blanket for 100 million dollars as a priceless piece of American Pop Culture.  It will be stolen, lost forever, and drinks will be on me until I die.  I will use $9.99 of my insurance money to buy another “plush” blanket.  It will not be the same and part of me will be sad forever.  Rich and sad.

When I got home from this last tour, I decided to keep Wolf Blanket with me and I’ve slept with it every night since then. If it’s too hot to sleep under, I fold it up and put it on top of my pillow.  It’s really turned into my happy comfort thing. Sadly, Quinn-Bot has also fallen madly in love with Wolf Blanket.  I have to make sure I put it under the comforter when I get up in the morning or he starts trying to shred it with his claws whilst purring uncontrollably to the point of drooling.  It’s not attractive.

What’s the point of this whole story?  I’m not sure there is one.  We bought it as a joke, I fell madly in love with it.  So maybe it’s about a change of heart.  Maybe it’s about finding love and beauty in unexpected places.  Maybe it’s about finding peace and comfort wherever you can.  Maybe it’s about not judging yourself.

It’s Wolf Blanket.

The End.

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